WHICH ONE ARE YOU?
I’ve been defining life as a type of experience and a journey of growth for a long time. Some of us live without realizing it, some are skilled at addressing situations and challenges, while others are aware of their inner struggles but choose the easy path of temporary escape, leaving introspection for another time.
It’s not always easy to answer which category we fall into; it requires courage. Regardless of the answer, life continues to provide us with plenty of material for introspection. People who dare to look within have been an inspiration to me, even more than what I’ve learned. In recent years, the concept of “vulnerability,” which we have talked about more, comes to our rescue at times like these. It can be challenging for us, mortals eager to appear strong and always right, to accept certain things (even if they are internal). However, as Brené Brown has shared many times, confronting our real vulnerability strengthens us and liberates us when we can express ourselves freely.
Like many of you who contemplate these topics, I also seek out good role models. Some of them are distant to me. They can be a writer, a director, a singer, an actor, an academic, or others. Some of them have touched my life personally, someone I can have a conversation with, someone I’ve opened up to, or those with whom I’ve heard their inner voice sincerely. This person can be a friend, a mentor, an instructor, a leader, or a colleague.
In all these stories of growth, there is one element that both challenges me and motivates me: “consistency.” That is, when a person’s words align with their way of life, that authenticity impresses me so much that it becomes the real source of inspiration.
Years ago, one of my participants told me about an incident. They attended a training on coping with stress, and the instructor, in the early stages of the training, said things like “stay calm like this, relax yourself this way, it’s in your hands not to be tense,” etc. However, when there was a technical glitch during the course, the instructor started shouting and screaming at the support staff who had come to help. The participant mentioned how all their belief in what the instructor said suddenly crumbled.
I believe there is a truth that remains unchanged for adults just like in childhood. It’s not what is said but what is seen, not theories but actions that bring about change. When we see behavior, it triggers the desire within us to take action. The language used during a conflict, giving constructive feedback when needed, expressing appreciation, staying calm during the most furious moments, being able to communicate with oneself, saying thank you, or apologizing – these are the moments in everyday life. Statements like “You should act like this” or “You should be like this” lose their impact unless they turn into actions. While the definitions of correct behavior can be found anywhere, living life this way is truly valuable.
We remember the friends who maintain their consistency, the managers we worked with for a short time but shared the same office, colleagues, grandparents, or those we met at some point in our lives, and we carry them in our hearts.
Years ago, I attended a program led by a renowned trainer-coach in the field. At one point in the program, they had a serious conflict with one of the participants. The tension was felt throughout the class. The language used by the participant escalated, and the program leader tried to calm them down and refocus on the agenda, sharing concerns about time pressure. Yes, we all wanted the issue to be resolved and return to the course. However, some issues don’t get resolved unless they are addressed. The trainer returned to the course, moving a little further. But deep down, we felt that the tension in the room continued. At that moment, something interesting happened: the program leader interrupted their speech and said how poorly they had managed the previous situation, how they had been late in recognizing the needs expressed, and how they had acted hastily out of time pressure. They apologized to both that person and the whole class. It’s even more challenging to see, admit, and apologize for your mistakes when you are well-known in certain areas and people tend to view you as a guru. At that moment, I experienced the joy of seeing someone who could internalize what they shared in their life. This was a moment when vulnerability was turned into strength. Just as in the moments of relief that follow the expression of every emotion, a day of learning continued with sincerity and trust.
Just as we distance ourselves from people whose words do not align with their actions, those who maintain their sincerity, those who try, or those who can confront their mistakes encourage our efforts. The issue here is not always displaying the correct behavior but continuing to try, even when we can’t or don’t have the skills.
One of Rumi’s sayings, which we often hear, is: “Either appear as you are or be as you appear.” What’s really exhausting is our effort to hide when the two are different. Most likely, we won’t leave this world by solving all our problems, internal issues, or areas of growth. But at least by making our efforts to keep moving forward on this journey, away from our comfort zones, toward the fields of development and growth; that, too, is beautiful and enough for us 😊
