MEETING MY POLARITIES
The first thing that came to mind with the word “poles” was duality and conflict for me. It meant the obligation to choose one side, and perhaps as a result of this, an endless tension with the “other” on the opposite side.
In my mid-thirties, when I started to contemplate more about matters related to myself, I had the chance to deepen my understanding of duality in the sense of the meaning it holds. Debbie Ford’s book “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” opened a remarkable door for me in a calm and straightforward narrative. The book explained how, especially during our childhood, we were subjected to mental and emotional limitations and how the judgments during this time turned into strong negative inner voices that we accepted as our own in this world full of tremendous wealth and potential.
However, the real process where the subject became meaningful for me was my journey into Gestalt therapy with dear Nita Scherler. I still remember the connection she established between the concept of poles and the metaphor of a piano that she shared at the very beginning of our lessons. Each of us is embodied with 88 keys just like a piano. Our potential is an infinite richness that contains many differences. However, within the dynamics called social programming, such as family, school, and the culture we live in, we are taught “right” and “wrong” keys. Every situation we call “right” has an opposite, and we don’t want to venture into those territories. However, in the natural state of life, everything is part of the whole, and as we experience each part, we expand and grow. For example, when I look at my own story, I remember how my “impatient” part that I identified with myself rejected “slowness,” how my “self-sacrificing” part dedicated to others rejected “self-care,” and how my part that tried to be “strong” refused “weakness.”
Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, explains the common personality themes in human history with the concept of “archetypes” and defines the repressed, hidden, or exaggerated parts of our personality as our “shadows.” Our baby state is original, and we freely express all kinds of emotions. When we are sad, we cry; when we are angry, we shout; we share our excitement. However, as we grow, the characteristics considered “bad” are carefully put in a box and suppressed as if they never existed. Our shadows or our poles are one of the dynamics that offer the most opportunities for us. Situations that annoy us, that we avoid, and that carry tension in our distant or close surroundings may be the moments when we get closest to our shadows. In a sense, the dark side also contains our light.
As the saying goes, “The one you run away from the most is the one you get caught up in,” the “other” we try to avoid comes in front of us with different representations of people, situations, and experiences until we accept and embrace our other part. Knowing that I can slow down when I need to and that this is not “wrong,” understanding that taking care of myself is not “selfish,” or making peace with my moments of feeling “weak” and accepting my vulnerabilities are a few of the peace agreements I made with my poles, for example.
Being able to freely move on all keys, understanding that each one is naturally part of being human, and being able to stretch in this sense opens up a tremendous space. While uncertainty, the unknown, and not being too familiar with different territories may be intimidating, the childlike curiosity inherent in human nature calls for the new. New sounds and tones are waiting to be discovered. It’s in our hands to feel more “whole” with each discovery.
Though it may not be as easy as it sounds, focusing, noticing, and especially seeing emotionally impactful situations, which we might describe as negative, as a source, also holds the reward of this journey. After each discovery and acceptance, even if we find a balance between the poles, it is certain that a new tension will open a new door of discovery. Life is actually a whole of all these experiences.
