LOSSES AND MEANING
For some time now, I had wanted to dedicate more time in my life to writing, and tonight I had the intention of putting some of the thoughts in my mind onto paper. What a grand illusion! John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” You can experience this statement every day, perhaps even multiple times a day.
Just as I was getting focused on writing, a short message I received changed the course of the night, and more importantly, the flow of my thoughts and emotions. Within half an hour of the unexpected news of the passing of the beloved father of a dear friend, I found myself at the hospital where they were. In times like these, I believe that being there for your loved ones and sharing their pain, even when you have no words to say or remedy to offer, can bring healing to all of us. Sometimes, just being together in silence is comforting.
Death knows no age, of course… While we may pray for a long and orderly life, when it happens, we realize that age doesn’t really matter, and it doesn’t diminish the pain, especially if it’s someone we deeply love. At that moment, the world stops turning, other things lose their meaning, and the thought “what does it matter?” takes hold. In times like these, as we dwell a little longer with loss and grief, we find ourselves questioning the meaning of life and the things we hold dear.
Lately, I’ve noticed that the concept of “meaning” is often triggered in my mind, especially in birth announcements and, more so, in losses. It might be the oldest question of thinking beings: “Why do I exist?” Life can be spent searching for the answer to this question. If we’re fortunate, there may be moments when we feel close to an answer. Like tonight, perhaps being someone who is remembered with longing, tears, and love after they’re gone indicates the meaning you created in life. The feelings you left behind, the emotions you carried in the places you entered, the ideas that spoke through you, the perspectives you inspired, and “meaning” might be all of these combined, the totality of the impact you had in the world and the universe where you lived.
When I look at the people I fondly remember, I see common qualities in them: they contributed, they inspired with their demeanor and actions, they were loving, they opened up new horizons, they instilled trust, they enjoyed life, they added joy, and they multiplied through sharing. I don’t know if this is specific to our culture, but I believe that we tend to share our admiration and positive views of people more generously after they have passed away. However, sharing while they are alive, expressing the positive effects and contributions in a generous way, could light strong beacons on their journey of meaning. After all, moments when our paths intersect with others during this journey tell us a lot about ourselves and our quest. In fact, friends who support us when we lose our way are one of our most effective resources.
In his book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” where he talks about his experiences in a concentration camp during World War II, Victor Frankl states, “The primary human drive is not pleasure or the avoidance of pain but the search for meaning in one’s life.” Nietzsche, whom he also references, says, “He who has a ‘why’ to live for can bear almost any ‘how’.” When we find the answer to the question “why?” that leads to understanding, we attribute meaning to all our experiences, and we draw strength from it when we face difficulties. The question is difficult, and it necessitates frequent contact, but the quest for meaning is worth it.
When you decide what the meaning of your life is, it becomes possible to live life to the fullest and make choices with confidence. The decisions you make, what you say “yes” or “no” to, your future aspirations, all are so closely related to the matter of meaning. Living consciously and being aware of what you want, embracing what you believe gives meaning to your life, and letting go of what doesn’t serve you becomes possible then.
Bronnie Ware, a nurse who interviewed patients on their deathbeds during her care work, lists the top five regrets that emerged from those conversations as follows:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish that I had let myself be happier and allowed myself to choose joy.
This research, too, as the moment of loss approaches, is another example of the truths that are allowed to emerge. In reality, these are not secrets; they are truths we know deep down but often fail to express. These unspoken truths can become quite burdensome for us. The quest for meaning can be a way out, just as the first output of this study suggests, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself.” Asking questions and pursuing answers takes courage.
If you are making an effort to live life consciously, you already know what kind of impact you will leave behind in this world when you pass away. People we love and value teach us a lot not only through their lives but also through their absence. Like proof of the visible or invisible connections between every piece of life, sometimes your loss conveys its message in the writings of someone you’ve never met. Without being tossed around by another loss, you can take a step you desire for everyone you have created value for, either directly or indirectly. If you truly want to, that is. 😊
