HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN YOUR OLDEST FRIEND?

During a talk show a few months ago, a guest artist mentioned that, as a way of testing trustworthiness, she often asked new acquaintances, “How long has your oldest friend been in your life?” The host found the question meaningful and worth trying. According to this measure, one could understand how loyal a person was, how they maintained their relationships despite challenges, and whether they were worth building friendships with.

This question struck me as somewhat confusing. Later on, I encountered a different perspective on the topic. This time, someone criticized this question, arguing that staying too long in the same friendships could be monotonous and unhelpful for personal growth. This made me think.

Like many people, I often talk about the difficulties of making new friends as we age, the comfort of picking up where we left off with old friends even after long periods, and the challenges of investing time and energy in getting to know someone new. Sometimes, it can feel hard to include someone in our lives when we don’t know their background very well.

At the same time, I feel grateful for the wonderful people who have entered my life in later years. Meeting individuals with a mature outlook, people who have resolved (or at least strive to resolve) their personal issues, sometimes opens new worlds for me.

You might wonder, “How much can you trust someone you’ve just met? How open can you be with your mind and heart?” I would say: be open to giving it a chance and to life’s surprises. Among the people we meet unexpectedly, there will surely be those who bring good things to our minds and souls. And perhaps, in 5-10 years, we might find ourselves calling a new relationship a “long-term friendship,” looking back at the time and memories shared.

In countless training or cources, I’ve witnessed how people—strangers just moments ago—quickly connect, sharing their hearts with openness and trust. Shared past stories could bring people closer, but judgments could also push them apart. Sometimes, we just need listeners who won’t view us through the lens of past biases or refer to our strengths alone. It seems limiting to hold on solely to connections from the past when there is a possibility of new relationships that are free from judgments.

I believe we experience profound awareness and even growth through our relationships. In relationships we choose to maintain, there are surely moments that make us happy, angry, questioning, and even fuel our joy for life. Similarly, with people who enter our lives relatively recently, we might experience joyful or even tense beginnings. From my observations, the longevity of these connections depends on our instincts, how nourishing the relationship is for both sides, the level of enjoyment we share, and the value added to our lives.

A few weeks ago, when I met my childhood friend, I was surprised at how fast the hours filled with laughter went by. And it is me who misses a newer friend with whom our conversations deepen every time we meet. Relationships are like rivers that nourish us in different ways. Some, undeniably, nourish us more.

Richard Sinacola, through years of work with individuals and couples, identified the “5 C’s of Healthy Relationships,” a set of principles that can be applied to all kinds of relationships. These are:

• Communication: expressing and listening to thoughts and feelings,
• Compromise: respecting differences while sharing common values,
• Conflict Resolution: maintaining a solution-focused approach in the face of conflicts,
• Compassion: standing by each other with care, love, and support,
• Commitment: investing time, effort, and energy, with a willingness to sustain the relationship.

We can see these elements in the relationships we want to keep in our lives. In old friendships, commitment might stand out more because the “trust” built over years is a cornerstone of the relationship.

Based on my non-scientific observations, the essential elements in relationships we wish to continue are:

• Learning and Discovery Together: listening without judgment and encouraging one another while sharing experiences,
• Courage: the strength to share even uncomfortable truths,
• Love: expressing appreciation and value for each other (ideally before it’s too late),
• Balance of Giving and Receiving: generosity in material or emotional aspects, nurturing each other emotionally and intellectually,
• Joy: the ability to laugh at oneself and at life amidst its difficulties.

And in my opinion, what enriches our view as we assess old and new friendships is our Curiosity about life! Our curiosity about the intellectual journeys new encounters may take us on, how they might nourish us, or how they might provoke our thoughts. Let’s protect and cherish the relationships we’ve nurtured for years, yes, and at the same time, if life is made up of countless intersections, it’s worth trying to see what the new connections might bring us. 😊