EMOTIONS, NEITHER GOOD OR BAD
Although it is one of the dimensions of our existence, discovering and managing our emotions seems to be one of the lessons we fail to complete. It is emphasized in many teachings, but sometimes we prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist. This may be because we don’t recognize it, because we can’t identify it, or because we find it difficult to cope with and prefer to run away.
Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, defines emotion as a feeling and a set of thoughts, psychological and biological states and a set of action tendencies specific to this feeling. So it’s actually quite broad. Just as we work on mental phenomena in coaching sessions, emotions can also emerge as an area that needs special focus. In some of my coaching sessions, in response to the question “How do you feel/felt?” about a situation described in some of my coaching sessions; I remember the moments when I encountered the answer “What do you mean by feeling???”! Or there are moments when thoughts are said instead of describing the emotion, for example. “I felt that you didn’t ask my opinion.” “I felt that he wanted to end the relationship with me.” “I got the feeling that he was unhappy with what I said.” “I got the feeling that he liked this new idea.” Digging a little deeper into these and similar answers, it is possible to find definitions of anger, disappointment, worry, sadness, relief, trust and so on.
In fact, although the definitions we have heard from the past to the present are role models for us in expressing ourselves, we may not have been encouraged to express ourselves emotionally. Even in response to the question “How are you?” it is easy to use phrases such as “good, bad, not bad”. We often witness this even in conversations outside the fast pace of everyday life. However, life and human beings are deeper and more complex than these answers. Beyond the definition of “good”, we may be calm, excited, enthusiastic, peaceful, relaxed, happy, loving, light and many more emotions, while beyond the definition of “bad”, we may be anxious, restless, angry, upset, sad, tired, tense and many more. In fact, I was initially surprised to realize that we were stuck in a few out of dozens of emotions. Either we were taking shortcuts or we were not giving any color in order not to be subjected to further interrogation. So, we can imagine the distress of someone who is deep in thought and feeling calm, when the person approaching him or her asks, “What happened, what is this sorrow; did your ships sink in the Black Sea?” We can even imagine the distress of someone who is deep in thought and feeling calm. Sometimes, even someone who is more excited, energetic and happy than the average person may find themselves trying to curb these feelings. After all, these lands are famous for the activity of the “other people’s lobby”.
I liken our dilemmas regarding these emotional states to a ball of water. Every emotion of the human being keeps looking for a way to surface, just like the sea ball that we strive to keep under the water is trying to come to the surface. As long as the person pretends that whatever emotion he or she is stepping on doesn’t exist, doesn’t see it, doesn’t name it, doesn’t express it, the pressure increases and forced confrontations arise in unlikely places. It is also obvious that negative emotions, whose projections on the body are also discussed in different teachings, lead to many disorders.
Another factor that triggers us to avoid our emotions, especially those that are defined as negative, comes from identifying ourselves with that emotion. For example, instead of worrying about being described as “angry, angry, tense or restless Banu”, it makes a difference if I realize that these are actually the emotions I feel at the moment or in the situation. Like “… I felt/feel angry/angry/tense in the situation”. So I’m not talking about a personality description, I’m talking about my emotion specific to that moment. So the worry of being stuck in an unpleasant emotional state loses its meaning. Because first of all, emotions come and go. Whether they are positive or negative, whether they vary in intensity, each one has its duration and will pass. When we are so happy that we are swept off our feet, or when we want to scream with rage, after a while there will be no trace of them. Other emotions will take their place and they too will pass. What will remain will be us, our “human” selves, who attribute meanings to all that is going on and are thrown from emotion to emotion.
On the one hand, it is like water in the various forms it takes; it can be exuberant, stagnant, solid or hot, and on the other hand, it is like the weather; it can be rainy, cool, windy or hot, and we are the ones who interpret it as “good” or “bad”. In both our private and professional lives, our emotions are like a soil that needs to be heard and visited. Again, as Goleman gives examples in his book “Primal Leadership”, we are witnessing more and more how those who add emotional intelligence to their numerical intelligence among today’s leaders make a difference in communication, relationship management, creating belonging and loyalty. And of course, as with everything else, leaders who first work with themselves and develop their awareness become good role models for their teams with their behavior and impact in this area.
In my opinion, one of the two most important concepts in the process of managing positive or negative emotions is “witnessing”; when I only witness, do not judge and define my emotions as a phenomenon, things get a little easier. This time I don’t cling to the emotion and make myself exist with it. The second important part of this process is “intention”. When I clarify within myself the emotional state of my current situation, it might be good to ask a basic question? “What do I need right now?” The answer to this question can give me an idea of what would be good for me. Support, sharing, changing places, staying with myself, doing something to enjoy, staying in the emotion. All of these things can only work if I can be in touch with the emotion without running away from it. In the same way, it’s valuable to pay attention to situations that I enjoy being in or that I have positive feelings about. Knowing what is good for us when things are going well and being able to stay in a positive emotion is a kind of self-knowledge. Defining what steps I intend to take with this information allows me to take responsibility for myself in a conscious way.
Based on the famous movie (*) line “love is labor”, it is possible to say that getting in touch with our emotions is also a labor. Steps such as getting to know oneself, taking time for oneself, listening to feedback from the environment, hearing one’s inner voice, confronting and defining one’s needs may not be easy at first, but as we experience and make an effort, we become more eager to hear the voice of this dimension and become stronger.
(*) The 1977 Movie Selvi Boylum Al Yazmalım, based on the novel of the same name by Kyrgyz writer Cengiz Aytmatov.
